Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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