i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
