we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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