Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
