Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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