Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
