I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
