You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
