I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
