Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
