if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
