I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
