I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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