his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
