Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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