I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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