he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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