He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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