The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
