I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
