I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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