Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
