Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
