I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
