hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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