I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
