FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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