You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
