We won't sleep together?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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