doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
