Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
In other news, I just burned my penis
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
