I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
