and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
