rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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