You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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