I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
