I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
