Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
