I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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