I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
