obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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