my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
