god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
If I die, sorry about rent.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
