I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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