One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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