i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
