Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
