You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
