Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
