My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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